Wednesday, July 11, 2018

My Life In Scales: Part 5, Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Spoiler alert.

I lost weight. Not just weight, but like, a bunch of weight.


Full disclosure here; this was more along the lines of a "lol, lets see if I can actually, really do this" than a full commitment. Apparently, I made this into a commitment somewhere down the line. I can't say when, or how. But, it just clicked with me. The farther I went, the more determined I got, and the more determined I was I pushed harder. I am NOT going to say I had slips. I don't believe in saying that because I am fucking human being and because of that I am a pleasure seeking entity. I had days where I ate, and ate. Like my birthday, where I made Ed take me roller skating and then he took me out for Mexican food, and I had a Margarita the size of my head and some delicious tacos AND nachos.

Some days were more of a struggle. For some obnoxious reason, my co-workers decided that pot lucks were going to be the thing, and suddenly we were having one about every two weeks. As much as I loved the people I work with, this was NOT COOL. However, my amazing manager Peggy was super thoughtful and got me fruit for my birthday and a ginormous butterfly balloon that I got to tie to my chair and be obnoxious with. Seriously, I shoved it into everyone's face I could and was like "YES! YES! It was the day of my birth, you may all worship me and comment on how I do not look like my 33 years of age." I really wish I was joking.

Anyway, weight loss. There were some big changes I made. For starters, I cut out full calorie soda, leaving diet for those days I was going to the movies or getting a salad at Saladworks. Soda was probably the worst thing I was doing to myself. I remember once sitting on my couch, with no less than four or five ginger ale cans on the table in front of me and still feeling so dehydrated after drinking so much, it seemed so impossible. Not going to lie, it was hard since it all was all I drank and I loved soda.

Second thing I did was stop eating junk. I didn't have so much of a problem with leaving the potato chips and fast food, for me that was easy. What was really, super hard was stopping the sweets. Cake, ice cream, ice cream cake, candy, brownies, cookies - anything sweet it was going into my belly. I developed an iron will power and a hard mask of austerity while I cried on the inside because I wanted cake, dammit. I will not say I gave up sweet stuff - just made some smarter replacements, such as frozen yogurt for ice cream (just as good, really). I also swapped out milk chocolate for luscious squares of Italian dark chocolate. I now prefer the dark chocolate to milk chocolate. Go figure.

My third change was getting into the gym, and wow was that hard. I went to Lane Bryant and tried on various leggings and sports bras, vowing to never shop there again (joke's on me, even though I am too small to wear the clothes, I still fit into their bras). I started out slow, only doing 15 minutes of cardio at a time, and gradually increasing. I then started to include weights and doing a circuit of exercises around the facility. Adding in some yoga gave me a nice breath of fresh air once in a while, and also helped me get better in tune with a body that was suddenly changing. I took more walks along the canal and river with Ed, I took the stairs when I could, and I didn't care so much about parking in the boonies when I went to Target.

Finally, I started to count my calories and really, truly monitored how much food I was putting in my mouth. This. Was. Not. Easy. Granted, going back to MyFitnessPal helped, as the database is vast and the options are plenty. The app is flexible, so if you can't find something, you always create it or input your own recipe. But, still, it was extremely frustrating to be confined to only 1200 calories per day when you love to mainly eat bread and sugar. What this does is put into perspective how much we really actually need to eat. In the beginning I felt like I was not getting enough to eat, feeling some mild crankiness, irritability and general hangriness. As time progressed, and I grew used to consuming less calories, that feeling went away. Sometimes I would feel hungry right after eating dinner, or my stomach would feel empty and I would immediately think I needed to eat. I learned to chill out, and actually think about if I seriously needed to eat or not. I give it about a half hour and a drink of water and see how I feel. If I am still feeling the same way I eat a small snack of almonds or carrots or an apple, and then go about my day.

That is pretty much it. Easy and hard, all at the same time.

I ended up halting my progress in October 2017 after 60lbs lost, just 20lbs shy of my ultimate goal. I am okay with this, honestly. I grew frustrated when I would go over my calorie count because I had a handful of almonds and some grapes as a snack. Like I said, calorie counting is difficult. I will have to do it my entire life, and while I am not thrilled with it, the method keeps me honest and on track. I also stopped because I wanted to breathe a bit, and indulge while maintaining my weight. I just wanted to eat at a restaurant and indulge for a minute in something totally off-plan and not feel guilty. I wanted to eat a piece of cake, or some ice cream and not worry about how much of my progress it was going to kill. It does grow exhausting constantly having to tabulate what you consume in a day.

When I looked into the mirror towards the end of my journey, I was finally pleased with what I saw. I learned to love my body for what it is. Which is not to say that I loved my body more because it was smaller, I loved it because I was finally taking care of it. By showing my physical self love, I grew to love it. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, if I was going to come out of this looking like a hard body athlete or a slim model. My reality isn't even in between that. I went from a size 18/20 to a solid size 12. My body is still fairly shaped the same, as my stomach still has an annoying round belly shape to it, and there is jiggle. Everywhere. But, my legs have gotten ridiculously strong, and my arms have muscle tone and definition. And I even have two little indentations on the aforementioned treacherous belly to indicate I do, in fact, have abdominal muscles.

I have more work to do, and yes, I still want to loose my last 20lbs - now closer to 25lbs as my liberation from the shackles of calorie counting suddenly became pure wanton vandalism to a carefully crafted healthyish diet. Oh yes. I ate candy, and frozen yogurt. I had burgers, and bigger dinners. One memorable night I went out with my bestie and we ordered some small artisan pizzas to share while we laughed our asses off over a glass of wine. Christmas was fun, as I felt pretty to indulge in some cookies and all the best things the holidays had to offer including booze.

I put an end to that, once the indulgences went from being an unrestricted cheat day, to every day. I knew I was going back to habits I previously had. This was the biggest thing I learned - when to stop the indulging, how to comfort myself without food, and how to maintain balance. I also learned to love a simple, healthy diet to look forward to delicious meals of lean protein and lots of veggies. I also learned to fix hunger with real food and not junk food. I also learned that I would much rather sit and indulge my sweet tooth when I was relaxing or being social, than sitting alone on my computer shoveling handfuls of strawberry Sour Patch kids into my craw. But, I am so totally not going to say I don't enjoy junk food. Last month I spend a couple of Saturday nights snuggled up to a bottle of rose, a plate of chocolate cake and David Tennant while binge watching Broadchurch.

At this point, I have gone through a massive change in lifestyle. I have totally changed my eating habits, breaking a lifetime of bad habits instilled in me since I was a child. My exercise routine has gone from nonexistent to robust, with gym visitis 3-4 times a week and yoga at least once a week. My outlook on health in general has improved, from once being something I was ambivalent about to now a passion to live a longer healthier life. Losing weight was not about looking better, it was about learning how to live healthy, or at the least - healthyish. I think I am well on the way to achieving that goal. Living a "healthyish" lifestyle is now one of the most important facets of my life and has truly become something I enjoy doing and will continue to do for a very long time.

But, having to buy a whole new wardrobe with more options in where to procure that wardrobe is not a terrible thing either. Just sayin'.


-GG